Saying the Hard Thing in Real Time

Ever leave a conversation and realize, somewhere on the way to the car, exactly what you should have said? There’s a French term for that feeling, and ADHD brains know it intimately.

This week, we explore why saying the hard thing in real time is so difficult with ADHD, from the blurt-or-freeze problem to the research on variable reaction time and emotional dysregulation that makes it make sense. We get into how pace gets used against slower processors in an argument, and how to claim the room you need without walking out.

Then the practical side: naming your state, five “slow sentences” to keep in your back pocket, the Gottman rule for taking a real break, and a trimmed-down version of DBT’s DEAR MAN that you can actually remember when it counts.

Links & Notes

Support the Show on PatreonDig into the podcast Shownotes DatabaseKofler et al. 2013, reaction time variability meta-analysisAnker, Ogrim & Heir 2022 summaryShaw et al. 2014, emotion dysregulation in ADHDBen-Dor Cohen et al. 2023, J. Attention DisordersGottman: flooding and breaksGottman: repair attemptsLieberman et al. 2007, affect labeling and ScienceDaily write-upDEAR MAN overviewWordorigins: l’esprit de l’escalier

(00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast

(02:08) - Saying the Hard Thing

(21:51) - Asserting Your Slow-Downs

(30:43) - DEAR MAN...

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